All-purpose comebacks

I was watching old episodes of Graham Norton show, and stumbled upon this gem, where RuPaul says: “As I tell kids on our show, even if you don’t have anything to say, at least have a list of ten things that work every time.” He volunteers several lines, like “I’ll be the judge of that” or “Thanks for the warning,” and “I don’t see how it is any of your business.” Norton then mentions that Lucille Ball had one she would use when she was having a dinner party and someone came back after going to a loo, she would turn to them and go: “Tell it to her face!”

This is such a DL thing! Do you have any go-to lines?

gags, he only gets more repulsive with each year....

Here are some comebacks.........off the cuff.

I had a friend in college who— during any kind of confrontation— would say “well, that’s your choice.” I don’t know why, but it always cracked me up.

Not much wit in those “comebacks,” R4.

Library? More like “strawberry”!

We bought a zoo!

I’ve had sufficient.

Surprise anal? I am NOT okay with that!

“What’s it like being wrong about *everything*?”

That's not funny.

What's THAT supposed to mean?

A friend of mine’s father was a salesman, one of those old-time, extroverted hale-and-hearty types. One of his all-purpose lines was ‘That’s what she said last night,’ accompanied by the requisite elbow nudge.

You could say almost anything — ‘I’ve been feeling a bit tired lately’ — and he would jump in with ‘That’s what she said last night!’ Har har har!

A dying breed (thank God).

Oh no, you didn't!

Can you give me an example?

Thank you, I heard enough.

Does anyone know the Liza story. If someone interrupted her when she was in a conversation she would say, "Oh hold on let me just finish." turn back and let them obverhear her say, "So anyway I just gave her the fifty thousand dollars," Something like that.

It takes one to know one

Everything's not for everybody

Sounds like a personal problem

Go die in a grease fire!!!

It must be a terrible burden, being the center of the universe.

I know you are, but what am I.

I hope someone shits in your mouth!!!

Crossed arms and a slow head shake usually works.

"Not much wit in those “comebacks,” [R4]."

You didn't like the one about autotune? Not witty, but dead on.

Works to shame EVERY woman: You're fat!

I eat old people's excrement.

You type fat.

Smell her!

Works to shame EVERY man: You're short and you have a tiny penis!

Actually I think short guys are hot. And I'm a top and don't care how big my bottom is. Just say'n.

I’ve always found a well-timed “Sure, Jan” works for me.

What was that? Judging from the level of this conversation, you can hardly expect me to have been paying attention...

I'm afraid I don't pretend to be a sassy drag queen.

Sassiness wears on you once you're over about age 25 (unless you're suffering from arrested development). It just seems tedious from then on.

Liza has several to offer:

"NO SHE DIDN'T!"

"AWWK! What are you talking to me about Elizabeth Taylor for?"

"Well, it was just silly!"

"OH! Theater again? Nahhh..."

and the best of all,

"I work with retarded children..."

"She was out back takin' a shit and the hogs ate her." (Response to, "where's so-and-so?")

"You're obviously confusing me with someone who gives a shit."

“We’ll discuss this when you’re sober” is pretty handy.

My Dad had some success with “kiss my WHAT?!”

Graham Norton is the best talk show host ever.

R15 I met a Russian guy a couple years ago who would say that all the time. Early thirties. Twice divorced. Proud of playing videogames.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't listening."

Then when they start talking, just walk away.

So true r36. I have an eldergay friend whose sassiness circa 1980s is tiresome. Harmless enough, always with fellow gays called she and her etc, but no longer cute at his age.

Whenever anyone asks a question that is none of their business (like how much something costs or something really personal when I don't know them well), I just say very causally:

"What an odd question."

And change the subject.

Not exactly the same topic but one of my favorite things to do when at a cash register with a friend who is about to pay for something is whisper loud enough so the cashier can hear “Can you afford that?” And if they’re buying a coffee or something for both of us I’ll say “no no you can’t afford that”.

.... though I don’t really have any friends anymore so there’s that.

When someone asks a personal question along the lines of "Do you do this.." or "Are you..," I say, "Could be! I couldn't possibly comment."

Actually this happens a lot in Europe, usually by inquisitive Americans, and I reply, "You're in Europe now, sweetheart. Time to learn a little discretion."

How dare you!

Fuck off, idiot.

Well, you're telling the story.

There's the old Mandy Rice Davies one: 'Well, s/he would, wouldn't s/he?'

Question from nosy biddy who’s been chatting up my spouse: “And what do YOU do?”

Me: “I don’t do anything. I’m just a delight.”

An elderly eccentric woman gave me that one. I’ve used it a few times. It perplexes nosy biddies.

Christina, bring me the axe.

"I know you are, but what am I?"

Sometimes I just go "Neener, neener, neener!" ad nauseam.

Do you want fries with that? ///// Who you gonna call? ///// A census-taker once tried to test me. I hate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

While breaking the fourth wall, I'll say "Hunh, THAT happened..."

Sorry R8. Obama's comeback after the Republicans cheered and clapped when he said he has no more campaigns to run is HILARIOUS. Not to mention his "fuck you" wink.

I don't think Dorothy Parker, Oscar Wilde or George Bernard Shaw has anything to fear from the posters on this thread.

It's hard to be afraid of anything when you're already dead.

Another one I find useful. It’s not witty, but it’s almost panacea:

“You may be right.”

It pacifies morons who need to have the last word. To a sensible person, it serves the same purpose as “we’ll have to agree to disagree”.

I love you, r51.

Similar at the cashier when paying with a credit card:

“Approved. Woo hoo. That means they haven’t reported it stolen yet.”

[quote] Response to, "where's so-and-so?"

My go-to is “Don’t know. Wasn’t my turn to watch her.”

QUESTION: "How do you make money?"

ANSWER: "Giving blow jobs behind the Burger King."

Inspired by the Jacklyn Smith/Bootsie Gumdrops thread: “I think you should get an MRI.”

I'm a great believer in just because someone asks a question doesn't mean they deserve an answer.

But telling someone "That's none of your business" can be confrontational and make things awkward.

So I just respond by saying, "Oh! That reminds me . . . " and then completely change the subject.

All but the most stupid people know what I have just done, but it gives both of us an out.

"Have a nice day!"

"Thank you, but I have other plans."

"I'm too blessed and highly favored to answer that! Glory!"

Growing up in the South, I heard "I'll pray for you" as a comeback to end any losing argument. It usually worked because most Southerners are raised as cringing, religious hypocrites.

Now, I use the phrase often.

"I don't like Krispy Kreme doughnuts, they're too sweet." "I'll pray for you."

"Do you think I would look good in a pink Polo shirt?" "I'll pray for you."

[quote]I don't think Dorothy Parker, Oscar Wilde or George Bernard Shaw has anything to fear from the posters on this thread.

They're dead. Like your attempt at be witty.

Why are you still single?

"Just lucky I guess."

Reply to, "have a good one":

"I already do. Now if I could just make it bigger…"

"Well, the jerk store just called, and they're out of YOU!"

One I use quite often from Muriel Spark's "The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie":

"For those who like that sort of thing, that is the sort of thing they like."

Someone I admire used to respond to braggers by saying “oh? is that good?”

Also, when she didn’t recognize the phone number of a caller, she’d pick up the phone and say “sorry, no money,” and hang up smiling.

"Now, don't take this the wrong way . . . "

"You can stop right there."

"I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but . . . "

"You can stop right there."

"Now, I don't like to criticize, but . . . "

"You can stop right there."

"I hope this won't sound judgmental . . . "

"You can stop right there."

"Well, I probably shouldn't say this . . ."

"You can stop right there."

What are you babbling about?

"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Only Nixon can go to China.

RuPaul is hilarious in OP's clip.

[quote]Lucille Ball had one she would use when she was having a dinner party and someone came back after going to a loo, she would turn to them and go: “Tell it to her face!”

I'm sorry, I don't get it.

Do you mean Lucy would pretend someone at the table had been talking smack about the person who went to the bathroom while they were gone?

R88. Yes that works too but in clip he’s saying the person left “to the loo” to go talk smack so when they come back it’s like - why can’t you say it to her face?

Tab Hunter's mother used to tell her two obnoxious sons, "Please try to elevate your minds".

I read this one on DL and died laughing: "That made me cringe so hard I have spinal fluid dripping from my nose."

Okay, I'm apparently never going to understand it, R89, because who goes to the loo by themselves in the middle of dinner to talk smack about someone? But if multiple people go to the bathroom at once to powder their nose, of course they're gossiping, which turns Lucy's joke into more of a passive-aggressive jab.

[quote]Lucille Ball had one she would use when she was having a dinner party and someone came back after going to a loo, she would turn to them and go: “Tell it to her face!”

You have this wrong and didn't understand the joke.

Ball would say that to the person next to her at the table ABOUT the person just coming back from the bathroom. The joke is that she is implying, erroneously, that the person at the table waited until the person went to the bathroom to trash them to everyone at the party.

You're welcome.

My favorite might be from The West Wing:

"I could've countered that, but I had already moved on to other things in my head."

After stumbling on an awkward topic: “oooh, sore sub?”

[quote]After stumbling on an awkward topic: “oooh, sore sub?”

"Well, I certainly made your mother sore."

"Growing up in the South, I heard "I'll pray for you" as a comeback to end any losing argument."

I prefer "May God have mercy on your soul."

The best Southern comeback is "Bless your heart" which means "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!"

“Well, that’s a rather face-saving way of putting it.”Non response to a humblebrag.

“Girl!, Sister! and What’s her problem?”

While standing in a small group at the office when someone walks up quickly cut whoever is talking off with a Shhh! shhhh! And motion to the person walking up implying you were talking about them

I wasn't inviting a conversation.

Thank you for that unsolicited opinion.

Are we acquainted?

You’re telling yourself a story

I give up the need to be right

I do that all the time, r101.

Usually with a “shhh. Here he is now.”

"How's that workin' for ya?"

How are those beady pig eyes and huge cartoon cranium workin' out for ya Dr. Phil?

"Remind me to give you some money for some nice shoes."

"Remind me to give you some money for some nice shoes."

Years ago one of my co-workers almost daily commented to another co-worker that she "looks tired".

When tired looking co-worker was finally fed up with the commentary she replied:

"I'd like to know where you buy your mirrors."